Moon & Stars

I have been adjusting to the new Flolan Therapy for my Cardio-Pulmonary Hypertension these past weeks since my last procedure in the Hospital. It's been a rough two months but I feel confident that the medication is having some good affects. My days seem dominated by medication mixing, dressing changes, pump function (and malfunction). I am not very well suited for being on such a short leash. Now I know why dogs go mad.

Wherever I go I must bring along an entire set of medical apparati and pharmacopeas of medication. Like an albatross, the five pound flolan pump dangles around my neck with tubing stuffed into my shirt to the catheter in my chest and dangling like broken plumbing around my waist.

A recent CT Scan identified a rapidly growing cancerous tumor on my liver. Tomorrow I enter the U.W. Medical Center in Seattle for a Chemoembolization procedure which includes implanting radioactive isotopes into the base of the tumor which ideally will kill the blood vessels feeding the Beast. For added measure they will also treat the tumor with localized chemotherapy to finish nuking it.

I have aspired to model a standard of Dignity and Courage to all of my friends who are so fearful of disease, dying and death. It has been my grandest permaculture design for the landscape of my heart, and soul. Designing the Interior Landscape: Zone 0. The most often overlooked terrain! Shame on us.

My resilience is fading. I remain optimistic, but I can taste surrender creeping in. This may be the last opportunity to buy me time for a liver transplant. If the tumor grows to more than 5 centimeters, it will be too late to consider a transplant. It is already at 3 centimeters.

If my hypertertension is brought down to acceptable levels within the next 5-6 months, then I will be placed at the top of the liver transplant list and will be elgible to receive the next available liver that suits my blood type, etc. It's a hell of a waiting game.

This morning I woke up a 4:00 a.m. and walked outside to scan the pre-dawn heavens. The Moon hung like a great Cheshire smile in the sky, with Venus dangling below it like the Hope Diamond. The Star Nations winked at me and all was well with the Universe for just that moment. It was as if they were saying, "Come home when you are ready".

This is all I know. YOU know what to do.

No Fear,
Simon